Coping with Infidelity - Techniques to help heal your broken heart.Coping with infidelity can be very psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, and physically devastating. In the infidelity trauma section of this website, I described the physical and psychological symptoms I was experiencing when my husband left me unexpectedly for another woman. Anger, fear, sadness, depression, inability to eat and sleep, thoughts of dying, desire for vengeance, anxiety, and hopelessness are all common after a traumatic event occurs. Most people lack the ability to deal with these stressors effectively. I was no exception. Coping with infidelity was the most difficult challenge of my life. It was much more difficult than dealing with the death of my grandparents many years earlier. I knew that I could not live with my stress at that level. But, I didn't know how to get some relief. I didn’t have any close friends to confide in and didn’t want to tell my family about what had happened and I just lost my best friend to another woman. I knew coping with infidelity wasn't going to be easy! I felt so alone, hopeless, and helpless. I took all the blame for my husbands leaving and turned all my anger inward for not being a better partner for him in the first place. I was harder on myself than he could ever have been. I was not coping with infidelity well! I did learn a lot about myself and how my behavior led to the deterioration of our relationship, but I could not continue to beat myself up forever. My private investigator had given me an e-book that helped to get me on the right track. The author was coping with infidelity herself and desperately wanted her boyfriend to come back. She communicated with someone on the internet who gave her some very wise advice on how to live her life and let everything else fall into place. She followed his advice and her boyfriend returned. At first, I was following the principles in the book to get him to come back to me. Later, I realized that you will not get what you want if you try to manipulate someone or try to change for them. I learned that fear was my enemy, not my spouse or his lover. Fear had silently been controlling my life for a long time and only now could I see it. I lived my life in the past and the future and could never enjoy the present. I took everything and everyone for granted. Stress was omnipresent in my life and I needed to break free from it all. But, how? For two months, I struggled to find the answer. I read just about every self help book I could get my hands on, or at least parts of them. Traditional psychology books did not give me the quick fix that I wanted. I was seeing a therapist and talking about things was helping, but I was still suffering tremendously. The advice from the e-book that I had read was based on ancient eastern philosophies. It all made sense and I felt so at peace while reading through it. At the end of the e-book, the author recommended meditation as a way to reduce stress, quiet the mind, and silence fear based thinking. I figured that I had nothing to lose, so why not give it a try. I contacted a woman locally who teaches meditation and signed up for her class. The class was several weeks away, but she had produced a CD to listen to to help train the mind to be silent. It wasn’t a subliminal recording or anything like that. It was mostly silence interrupted by periodic reminders to clear the minds of any thoughts. Since I was hardly sleeping anyway, I would play the CD two to three times daily while the kids were at school or sleeping. In the meantime, I was doing research on the internet on the benefits of meditation not only on the mind but also on the body. Research has shown that it is a very powerful stress reduction technique that has many beneficial health benefits. There are also many different types of meditation and they don’t all require the repetition of a mantra or phrase. I choose to do silent meditations while listening to headphones. Breathing is an important aspect of meditation and so is conscious observation of the sensations of the body. I downloaded several meditation mp3’s from the internet and switch programs from time to time. I have never felt so relaxed as I have since starting to meditate. You have to make time for it, however, as it is difficult when the kids are home and making lots of noise. A related discipline that also has documented benefits to both mind and body is yoga. I had never tried yoga before and thought that it would be easy and worthless. I was so wrong! It is tremendously difficult and challenging. After the first class, I could hardly walk as my legs were quivering and felt like jello. I was surprised at how calm and relaxed I felt afterwards. I had peace of mind and a calmness that I never had before. It is a great exercise routine for building strength, flexibility, endurance, cardiovascular health, and stress management. In searching for relief from my psychological pain, I came across several programs that teach people to live “in the moment” as opposed to the past or the future as I had for so long. I had read two books by Ariel and Shya Kane regarding this concept and it is hard to comprehend at first, but very powerful once you get the hang of it. Life is very different when you live it this way. I even went to a class held by the Kane’s in NYC. I could see things that I had been previously oblivious to. My senses were absorbing far more stimuli from the environment than usual and I could perceive the world more accurately (we color reality with our own prejudices and experiences). I was finally coping with infidelity and was no longer afraid of the future or haunted by the past. Children live in the “moment” until adults force them to grow up and become future oriented. I can see the excitement that life holds for my six year old by looking into his eyes and listening to the sound of his voice. The resource section has several other great books on living in the moment. Coping with infidelity is much easier when you stop dwelling on the past, clear your mind, and truly live in the "moment". Another great technique was from Byron Katie. I ordered two of her books and her CD of Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. This technique is not something you can just read, absorb, and utilize. You have to do "the work". I printed out worksheets from her website and sat down with her book in hand and playing her audio version of the book through my iPod. I read along with the audio version and would stop when directed and do the worksheets. It was a very powerful program to overcome my own mental blocks about why people do the things they do and the meanings behind their actions. We can only ever take responsibility for ourselves and not read into any one else’s thoughts or actions. She has overcome very significant psychological problems with this method. On her website she offers courses to anyone who would prefer to do "the work” in a structured environment. I would highly recommend her courses to anyone who has the time and means to attend. Coping with infidelity is much easier if you can utilize and master these techniques. I was able to investigate my past and forgive myself for mistakes I had made and stop dwelling on things I could not change. I was able to forgive my husband for mistakes he made in our relationship that I harped on for years and to forgive him for leaving me and running to another. I was also able to stop living in the future and enjoy the only thing you ever have, the present. I was coping with infidelity and thriving. Life became much more exciting, fulfilling, and fun. I used to live my life in a fog. Things are much clearer now. Coping with infidelity and it's aftermath is very traumatic. Seek help early on, be patient, and learn to love yourself. You can't be a good partner, parent, or lover if you don't love yourself first.
|
